


Looking for courage

by intheembers



Category: Looking (TV)
Genre: Cute, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-21
Updated: 2015-11-21
Packaged: 2018-05-02 17:56:47
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,342
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5258180
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/intheembers/pseuds/intheembers
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After S2 finale</p>
            </blockquote>





	Looking for courage

**Author's Note:**

> It't not proofread but it is lame and love is lame. And it's probably not very good, but i'll post it anyway.

It’s somewhat amazing how Richie can project so many feelings without uttering a single word. His brow wrinkles when he thinks, his eyes squints when he smiles, he’s rarely angry and how he gets all-serious when Patrick’s upset. Patrick doesn’t even have to tell him, Richie just knows and that’s how it’s supposed to be, a good old domesticated and quite boring relationship – talking without words and just appreciate each other.   
Patrick always had this imminent feeling of always being perfect, especially when being around Kevin. Richie don’t seem to mind not being perfect, like crying when he’s sad, laughing when he’s happy or telling Patrick what’s wrong, if there’s something bothering him. He’s just a genuine and honest person.

It’s not like that with Kevin, with Kevin Patrick’s not alone but he’s lonely, despite that, there’s something that makes him stay. Maybe that’s just how much he hates himself and the suffering is just punishment for what he did to Richie – he doesn’t deserve Richie – at all. Every time he thinks about how they ended all he sees is the tear filled eyes that, if possible, made Richie look even more beautiful, and the words that fades to painful whispers _I am this close to falling in love with you. But I am not going to do that to myself, if you are not ready, and I don’t think you are ready._ Maybe he was right, maybe he wasn’t, it doesn’t matter, and all he can do is admire Richie’s ability to stay true to himself. A talent Patrick’s lacking. Kevin has tainted him and somewhere in his subconscious he knows he deserves it, he’s never been the best of boyfriends, especially not to Richie, it always comes down to Richie. 

Patrick opens the door and leaves Richie’s barbershop; his touch still lingers in Patrick’s hair that is now short. Reluctantly his feet move towards his- and Kevin’s apartment. 

“What did you do to your hair?” Kevin looks at him amused at first then serious. “I cut it” Patrick shrugs his shoulders like it’s no big deal “Richie cut it, or buzzed it of” he correct himself and nods as if to agree with himself. “Oh okay, I like it” Kevin walk past him into their now, mutual kitchen. It bothers Patrick that Kevin don’t even seem to care “we ate ice cream after” they didn’t, Patrick just wants a reaction. “Did you do something else?”, “no” Patrick doesn’t come up with anything else because he is a shitty liar. “Why?” Kevin almost seem surprised “I’m with you” Patrick clarifies “why have one when you can have both?”, “because I’m not like you” which at this moment, seems like a bad thing.

“He has Brady” Patrick wants to make it sound like Kevin is his second choice even if he’s not. “Brady is not a boyfriend, Brady is accessory, someone to pass time with until the real thing decides to show up” Kevin still don’t get it “like I am to you?” there is no answer because Kevin knows he’s right. Richie is obviously the better choice, really the only choice, but Patricks’ decides on Kevin anyway. It’s like when your brain tells you not to do something, but you do it anyway and then get surprised when everything turns to shit – that’s where Patricks’ life is heading, right into a big pile of shit. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that when you are in love with someone you tend to look past their flaws and in some cases end up getting hurt because of it. He can’t deny being in love with Kevin, he can’t deny being in love with Richie either; Kevin is just the easy way out. He already knows he is going to get hurt by Kevin, already have been; therefore Kevin is safe. With Richie he doesn’t know, Richie might hurt him, he might not, it’s the not knowing that he can’t handle. He anticipates Richie hurting him again and for some reason he can deal with his feelings towards Kevin better than his confused and unresolved feelings towards Richie.

On routine they do what they always do, eat, admire each other for a while, have awesome sex that ends to soon, go to bed, and Patrick feels worse about himself than he did a few hours ago. I that exact orgasmic moment he forgets everything and enjoy it in all selfishness. Now, when Kevin sleeps with his back turned against Patrick, he starts overthinking his life and starts to revalue his existence. There’s nothing like self pity late at night with an unhealthy low level of blood sugar.

While overthinking he decides that safe is not what he want’s, sure Kevin is safe, but he is also an ass. He’s going to get hurt ether way, so why settle for the second best when he can go for it. His broody attitudes magically disappear in the light from the city outside the big window. Instead he is filled up with false courage, the kind you only get late at night when no one else is awake and you feel like you own the world. The kind that, the morning after will leave you thinking why the hell you thought that was a good idea and you’ll feel slightly embarrassed about it. Right now Patrick is obsessing over Richie and the best way to get him back so they can live happily ever after in a relationship where he will be Cinderella and Richie can be the super hot Latino prince, which weirdly enough never exists in fairytales. When he thinks about it most princes, except Aladdin is so pale they could be mistaken for a snowman.   
Fuck this and fuck Kevin, this is not the life wanted. With his newfound determination he gets up for the second night in a row and squeezes the scapular in his hand. He looks at his wristwatch and decides that Richie is probably asleep before leaving the apartment.   
It stopped raining hours ago but the streets are still wet. The closer to Richie’s home he gets, the more his determination and courage fades but he keeps walking. Where Richie lives is nothing like the exclusive apartment he lives in and for one reason he likes Richie’s apartment more. Richie’s apartment feels like home – inviting. Kevin’s apartment (and his) is the opposite. 

Before he knows it, he’s standing in front of Richie’s door and knocks, reminding himself he has absolutely no idea what he’s going to say. No one answers which gives him an opportunity to leave but his hand and his head decides not to cooperate and he knocks again, harder this time. It’s more a banging than a knock and a few seconds later a very tired looking Richie opens the door. Sexy as hell with a white tank top and messy hair, he rubs his eyes and moves from the doorframe so Patrick can step inside. “Patrick” he mumbles with a hoarse voice. “Are you still this close to falling in love with me?” he should have planed this better, because he has no idea what he’s doing. “What?” Richie looks confused “are you?” Patrick continues, “I don’t know, I guess so”. Patrick is not satisfied with the answer “are you or are you not?” he is persistent, because this is it. If Richie says no, he’s going to leave him alone forever. “Where is this coming from?” Richie seems to be a bit more awake now than he was when he opened the door. “ Are you or are you not in love with me?” a silence fall over them and the just look at each other. “Patrick” Richie says again but he doesn’t answer, “ I probably always will be, but…” Patrick interrupts him “I know, I know, you are not going to do that to yourself, but you should” he gives him a shy smile. Why?” Richie drops his guard and just waits. Patrick takes a small step forward “because I’m ready”.


End file.
